I have decided that as tomorrow is a new month and the first month of Autumn I am going to try to take a photo, find a phrase or write something that made me happy each day.
That seems like a nice idea doesn’t it?
I have this really silly, vicious cycle that usual comes around in 2, 3 or 6 month bouts. It starts off with me being fine and dandy like cotton candy and the world is my oyster and I’M SO FULL OF HOPE AND OH MYGOSH! I LOVE THIS CITY.
Then usually something might go wrong, something annoys me or something just feels off. I brush it off and go on - SUCH IS LIFE, AMY - THIS LIFE IS STILL FANTASTIC SO WALK IT OFF!
Then another couple of things go wrong and I get stressed out and maybe I can’t walk it off one time and at night I lie there thinking, ‘what if this is it?’.
This is quickly followed by a bout of heavy drinking where I will cry to some poor, unfortunate soul about how I feel sad, why is life this way and why can’t life just be like a fucking John Hughes movies with an impromtu, completely ridiculous dancing number?
This goes on and on and on for a few more weeks where I swing between completely carefree to reckless and self-destructive and is usually capped off by a shame spiral where I decide to amend my ways and, after some vapid, shallow soul searching, I decide to stop beating myself because maybe I’m not such a bad person and everything is (once again) fine and dandy like cotton candy and the world is my oyster and I’M SO FULL OF HOPE AND OH MYGOSH! I LOVE THIS CITY.
See what I mean?
I thought a couple of weeks ago I was entering the end of the cycle. I had my shame spiral, I did my soul searching but I quickly reverted back to certain self destructive ways I don’t wish to make a norm. I want to change.
So I’m hoping to be more positive and that this year, really, I make some changes, stop being so goddamn scared and that I discontinue certain self destructive and harmful behaviour.
So for March I’m going to try to be more happy and remind myself to not be sad or angry about things I cannot change or things out of my control. I hope to remind myself that life really is a beautiful place.
